I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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