Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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