wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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