You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
