This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
