omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
