I will die if light touches me.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
