so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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