If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
