I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize