I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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