He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
