fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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