Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
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