i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
