Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
