I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
