i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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