Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
