He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
