happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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