I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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