My hand turned me down
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
