tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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