John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
