if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
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