i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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