we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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