I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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