There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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