It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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