found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
