Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
