Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I would fuck him just for his dog
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