Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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