remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
