well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
