You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Success! We fucked roommates!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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