I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
