I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize