Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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