I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize