Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
