i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Everclear isn't food dammit
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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