Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
