My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
All the doctor said was why
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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