He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So much rum. So many feels.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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