You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
