she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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