You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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