I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
