Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
