You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
