Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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