I'm going to rape someone's good day.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
