I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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