apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
