Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(817): View more from Texas

Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.

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(214): View more from Texas

A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all

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(+44): View more from England

You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.

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(810): View more from Michigan

people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.

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(512): View more from Texas

It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(360): View more from Washington

You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.

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(253): View more from Washington

First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.

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