i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
