I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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