I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
