So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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